Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Batman's Utility Belt and Childhood Trauma


Batman is characterized as an elitist (but not Reptilian) human being who to fight crime could only rely on his mind and body to be at its most functional and then blow shit up when nothing else worked. His utility belt provides a template for further consideration. This template is prophetic! Mind you, the future will be constant high-intensity urban warfare. Seeing the madness in Bombay is just the beginning.

And now our story...

Ahem...So, it was one pic of Batman's Utility Belt that kept my pubescent mind occupied for years. The culprit was the pic above and it appeared in DC Comics' "Who's Who Volume II". Hours past by thinking, scheming, about actually being like Batman. Of course, I would need to do pushups, bust out some tights for a costume, and then stuff a sock for the bulge...but the only real "in the field" supplement to his crime fighting are the tools on his belt. The Great Batman Equipment Archive lists damn near every tool the cowl-faced crime fighter carried.

I had to make one. The search began, along with friends, for the perfect utility belt. The saga passed through several stages.

and the trauma...

It became readily apparent after some dramatic instances in public, that wearing a utility belt WAS NOT going to get me laid. These instances have photographic and video evidence that will be posted on EuroTrash UtilityBelt. To verbally preview, I learned that, in general, just wearing a large, bright yellow belt with packs on it just wasn't doing much for my self esteem.

Ah..but it was the mental image of a girl in a utility belt...ready for some dirty crime fighting work, that carried me and my cohorts through a painful adolescence.

The Logic of Utility Belts
We became aware of the double-standard applied to utility belts versus fanny packs. It was a bafflement to us all. Girls seemed ok with fanny packs, but not with utility belts! You know what I'm saying.

A front worn fanny pack creates two instant yet mature observations. One, when you are reaching in there to grab something, you are playing with yourself. Two, if you wear them because you are a muscleman, you are just covering up your whithered nut sack.

Need I say more?

To be continued....

[Did you try to make a utility belt of your own? Come on, you did. What was in it? Leave a comment.]


Eons One said...

perhaps you can cover the ill effects caused by obsessions with penny loafers and corn cob pipes on disenfranchised suburban youth in a future post.

Sydney Familiar said...

ah, for the next entry my good man. i think i am planning to do it..say..2012.